Friday, August 27, 2010

Life

Life is hard right now. VERY hard.

Unfortunately, I cannot share the details, except to say we have a major transition ahead of us, huge decisions to make, and some very difficult personal issues that will not go away.

Of course, all of this takes place during the busiest time of year for my husband.  He has a full time job, and a part time business, and every year from the end of August until middle of September, the schedules of both peek and collide.  So he exists on about 4 hrs of sleep a night, fast food, and 3 large iced coffees a day.  Pile on top of that the situations we are in and all the decisions we have to make - you can only imagine.

But wait - can you?  Because you probably are thinking "Wow, he must be in a bad mood all the time and really difficult to deal with".  The reality though is that  I AM the mean, cranky, grumpy, miserable person to deal with.

I miss him.

I worry about him.

I don't want to have mini-discussions on the phone.

I don't want to bother him at work and add even more stress to his day, but I have to about some things right now. And no matter how much I psych myself up before I get on the phone with him - "be patient.  be kind."-  I am cross, short, demanding, and just down right nasty.  For which I feel horrible, but then I continue to do it.....all...day...long.

So, let's re-cap:
  • major life issues and decisions
  • an exhasuted, overworked husband
  • a nasty wife
  • and oh yes, an almost 3 yr old who is testing Every. Single. Thing. these days.  

Hmmmm - what could possibly be missing?


God.

God is missing.

Wait - what?  How can I say that?  God is ALWAYS there.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  

True.

But I need to call on Him.

All day long I whine and complain; I cry.  Then I call someone to whine, complain and cry to.  I sit around all day and plot my next move, my next discussion, my next "ah-ha" moment (and not the good ah-ha, but the "ah-ha - GOTCHA" kind).

Even now, I'm writing here on this blog. 

What I'm NOT doing is opening my bible.

Getting down on my knees.

Praying.

Simply crying out to "God - HELP ME!".

And He is up there...ready and waiting to help me.  Ready and waiting to lift me up and carry me through.  He is ready to heal my hurts and work on my heart.  He is up there just waiting to reveal Himself.

But I will never see Him or hear Him.

Because I have my head down and my ears focused on all the white noise around me.

And I don't want to be that way.  But I can't help it.

I know that God did not promise us an easy life.  But He did promise that if we keep Him at that center of our life, our home, our marriage, our family - that He would accomplish anything...everything.

That's my real problem.  I'M trying to fix it, I'M trying to accomplish it all, I'M trying to control it all.

I need to let go.

I need to lay it at the foot of the cross.

I need to keep my eyes fixed on Him.  The way.  The truth.  The life.

Help me God. I'm calling out to you now.

3 comments:

Cari said...

Thanks for posting such personal thoughts. It is too easy to fall into this trap of trying to do it all ourselves and not relying on Jesus. You will be in my prayers tonight!

kshjah said...

I know that whatever it is you are facing that is challenging you right now you will make it through. you are an incredibly strong and resiliant woman and have proved these facts time and time again.

Hang in there and all my love to you, Paulo and the boy while you succeed through another of life's challenges :)

Kate said...

Your heart is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for being so open and authentic in this post.

Know that you will be on my heart and in my prayers.

Kate