Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Streams of consciousness

I'm all alone tonight.

Strange feeling.

Babu (Paulo's dad) offered to take the boy overnight.

Last minute.....5:30pm.

Not because I have a meeting....or a function....or plans at all.

Just because.

And the boy was chomping at the bit to go.  In fact, today he must have asked at least 7 tims "Are we going to Babu's today?"  He's been missing going over to there these days.  He usually goes over once a week.  But we've all had a lot going on lately - Babu, us, Thomas even - so it just hasn't happened lately.  Tonight, when Babu asked if he wanted to go over, he immediately grabbed his bag and started packing his toys monster trucks.  It was a hoot.  He even turned down a trip to McDonald's to go.  Really - this boy LOVES his Babu.  And that warms my heart.

So I find myself home alone tonight (Paulo's working til midnight - his usual shift).

So much I could be doing....cleaning.  More unpacking.  Organizing the office.  Uploading the 458 pics from my camera.  Reading a book.  Catch up on all my DVR'd shows.

So many choices - and yet I cannot make up my mind.  I think I'll just read latest issue of Vermont Life Magazine (all new re-design - ooooooh aaaaaah).  I know - I'm a loser.

The funny thing is lately I've been feeling trapped - feeling like I need a night off or a day out.  In fact, yesterday I went out on my own for a few hours.  Went to the mall (which is torture with the boy as this mall in particular has 7 escalators so I can't even get my errands done).  I had to get my watch battery changed (yes, all the way to the mall fro just that).  I wandered around a little too, but with no spending money these days, it was dull.  While I was there I heard a toddler pitching a fit crying.  The first feeling that shot through me was "Phew, thank goodness its not my kid".  But then as soon as that thought came and went, I started missing him.

How is it that I'm dying to get out of the house, get 1 hour to myself, go to the bathroom all by my lonesome, but as soon as I'm away, I miss the little bugger?  I mean, c'mon God.  Can't I just have 1 hour of not feeling guilty.

Guilty because I dared to desire 1 hour to myself.

Guilty that I'm not such a nice mama.

Guilty that I'm not doing a good job.

Scratch all the above.  The boy has just called and says he misses me and wants to come home.

Can't help it....its feels good. 

No comments: